Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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