I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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