You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
