i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
