You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
