My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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