she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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