Did you just see the Batmobile???
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
