a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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