thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
