I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
