I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
