why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My ass is underappreciated
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm both gender and math confused
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
