I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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