just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
