I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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