I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize