god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
