why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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