captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
