id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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