I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Panties = found
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
