I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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