Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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