drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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