I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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