This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm passing your future prison.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
