i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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