I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
