I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
