Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
