I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
