Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
