was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
