I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
