i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize