We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
