wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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