Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
two words: eviction party
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
