Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
