I'm really into asian looking animals
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
