Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
