I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
