If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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