i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize