I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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