For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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