I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
