i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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