I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
