I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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