Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
