i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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