I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize