Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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