I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
