Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
