surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
