Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
