Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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