worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
