Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
